


Dying To Live Again

by ElsaKL58



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Feels, Flashbacks, M/M, One Shot, Overthinking, Romance, Sad, Wordcount: Over 10.000, living in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3808465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElsaKL58/pseuds/ElsaKL58
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sidney is in the hallway, looking for the elevator to go to his room, but the only thing he can do right now is sitting on the floor and thinking about what happened.</p><p>Alex, his first and only love, is leaving the NHL for the KHL. And they broke up. What is he going to do? He was thinking the other night about how much he loved him, how much he never had been that cheerful before. And now, all of this is gone.</p><p>Sidney must be too tired to think and act properly because he ends up sobbing on the floor. He’s still wearing a suit and he just wants to wake up from this bad dream he’s in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dying To Live Again

**Author's Note:**

> This happened because I will never be over those two together.
> 
> Betaed by my most beloved friend, although she knows nothing about hockey. (je suis désolé, mais c'est totalement vrai, et je sais que tu l'assumes pleinement! xD)
> 
> Yes, English is not my first language. I hope it won't bother you. I really hope. That's my biggest fear.
> 
> Title is the same as [this wonderful song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivvJtNivrp4) by Hedley.
> 
> And please DON'T GOOGLE YOURSELF! (or famous people you personally know.)

Tonight is the NHL Awards for the 2012-2013 short season. As always, all the nominated players are well-dressed and accompanied by their beautiful wifes and families. The gala is in Vegas, surrounded by casinos and lights. Nothing could be more beautiful and dreamier for the viewers watching it on their TV.

Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby is of course there tonight. He’s nominated for the Lindsay and the Hart trophy, along with his – secret – lover, Alexander Ovechkin. Yes, Sidney and Alex have been involved since March. He doesn’t really understand how and why it happened, but it just kind of did. To be quick, they were a little bit drunk, went to Alex’s house and then they fucked – don’t ask me why, I’m not in their minds. They both felt incredibly weird about it and didn’t talk to each other for weeks. Then, since he recognized that maybe it was something more than just a one night – whatever it was – for him, Sid went to Alex’s house to talk about it and they both realized that maybe they could try something more exclusive. Since then, they are secretly together. Alex didn’t mind if they came out to at least some friends, but Sidney wasn’t really sure how to handle this and preferred it if it could stay an underground relationship for a while. Alex, because he loves Sid so much, said it was okay, and that they could get out of the closet together when it would be the right time for both of them. It has been only three months, but Sidney knows that Alex is the one for him. Now that he spends a lot of time with him, he doesn’t know what he would do without this relationship. He makes him laugh and Sid realized that, yes, hockey is great, but life doesn’t only revolve around it. Sidney doesn’t remember a time in his life when he was that happy before, maybe when he won the Cup, but even then, love is a different kind of happiness. Alex really changed him for the best.

Unfortunately, this year wasn’t the year for the Pens, neither for the Caps. In this short season, The Chicago Blackhawks won the precious price for the second time in three years. Sidney is happy for Toews, because he’s a great hockey player and all, but he would have liked to experience this another time. 

Anyway, another season is over, and now it’s time to move on for the next one. But for now, they are honored for their individual performances during the year. Sid could be the winner of the Hart trophy for the second time in his career. But honestly, he doesn’t think that he should win. He would prefer to see Alex on the stage, smiling and joking around with his trophy, saying to everyone around that he’s so proud of himself for beating Crosby.

Oh god, Sid needs help. He is not actually thinking that. If someone were reading his mind right now, he would think Sid is not alright or that he took drugs or something. But he didn’t. Sidney is completely fine mentally. That’s just love.

Yeah, just love.

So the evening goes on, with the Vezina, the Norris, the Lindsay – which Sid won by the way –, the Calder, and then the Hart Trophy is announced.

“And the winner of the Hart Trophy for the season 2012-2013 is… from the Washington Capitals, Alexander Ovechkin!” the announcer says.

Alex starts smiling and goes on the stage to take the trophy.

“I would like to thank everyone out there who helped me through the year: my family, my friends and my team. Thank you for supporting me. I love you all.”

Then Alex is back sitting next to Datsyuk. He and Sid decided that it was better if they were not sitting next to each other, so they wouldn’t be tempted to do things like touching in inappropriate manners for rivals.

The night goes on and the gala is finally over, for Crosby’s sake. It’s not that he hates those things, but sometimes, it can be really time-consuming, especially when you just want to be with your boyfriend who is only 3 rows away. They haven’t really talked in person since the last Pens-Caps game and Sid just can’t wait anymore.

Sid is tired and would just love to sleep right now, but he really wants to see Alex before he leaves. He certainly knows that he won’t see him until preseason, which is in September, because Alex is going back to Russia during the off-season.

Sidney is standing at Alex’s room door. He doesn’t even have the time to knock that Alex opens the door, smiling and looking at him with his dark blue eyes.

“I know you were there” Alex says with _that_ smile.

“I didn’t even knock!” Sidney responds, making a bit of a laugh.

“I read in minds you know…”

Sidney doesn’t have the time to reply that Alex shuts the door and pushes Crosby on the bed so he can kiss him. Sid responds to the kiss and starts pulling off Alex’s shirt when he stops him.

“Sid, is not that I don’t want you, because you look as sexy as hell in this suit, but I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, c’mon, I’m sure it can wait.”

“No Sid, is very important. You need to listen.”

“Well, okay.” Crosby says, a little bit disappointed. “What’s the matter?”

Sid knows at that precise moment that Alex is indeed nervous, because he looks around and takes ridiculously long breaths for nothing. It takes a while before he starts talking, as if he were searching the right words.

“Sid, I’m leaving for Russia.” Alex says almost quietly, as if he didn’t want to be heard.

“Yes, during the off-season, as always.” Sid answers, because it’s just a usual thing to do when you’re from another country.

“Yes, but you don’t understand. I’m leaving for good. I don’t come back.”

“What? I think you are mistaken. “

“I’m not. I’m leaving the NHL. I’m going to play with the HC Dynamo Moscow in KHL.”

Sid doesn’t know how to react to this news. He stays there, sitting on the bed, almost as if he didn’t know what the hell was going on. He thinks that maybe he didn’t hear the right thing; Alex sometimes doesn’t really know what he’s saying when he speaks English. Nobody speaks for at least five minutes, the atmosphere is heavy. Then, Sid needs an explanation, because that silence means that all of this is accurate.

“But you’re one of the best players out there and you’re having success with the Caps! Why would you leave? Didn’t you think about the consequences? 

“I know you won’t understand” Alex says to himself. Then he looks at Sid with so much sadness in his eyes it actually hurts. “I miss home. I love my country. NHL is great, but I am over with it. During the lock-out, I realized that I was happier in the KHL playing in front of my family and with my friends. When I came back in January, I understood after a few games that I was not here mentally. I talked to the managers, and they agreed that I could leave after the season, so I can say goodbye to the fans and everyone in a proper way. I wanted to tell you in person so you don’t learn it in the news. That would be rude.”

“Don’t you wanna win the Stanley Cup?” Sidney manages to ask.

“This is not my dream anymore. I realized that I was better winning things individually than in team… We’ve been in the NHL for the same time and you already won the Cup and an Olympic gold medal. What about me? I won nothing, except some trophies that I don’t really care about. My American dream is over.”

Sid doesn’t know what to answer. It’s awful that Alex is really thinking that way. He’s speaking as if he never were considered as one of the best in the league.

“They are not upset that their best player is leaving for the KHL?” Sid says after a few seconds.

“Of course they were, in a way, but they said that happiness is the most important thing. If I’m not happy here, then I should do what is best for me, and right now, KHL is where I want to play.”

Sid nods. He has to think about this. Being unable to see Alex for… how long? What are they going to do?

“But Alex, what about us?”

“Well, I think we should keep this as a beautiful relationship that we had.”

“So, that means you’re over the NHL and over me?” Crosby says, a little bit irritated.

“Oh, god, no, not over you! Look, I care about you, but I don’t think that keeping you exclusive is fair for you. I don’t think I am ever going to be back in the U.S. and to have this relationship will be bad for both of us, with the distance and all. The best thing to do is to break up, even if I will prefer not.”

“Well, why are we having this conversation if you don’t want to break up?” Sid responds immediately.

“Don’t you understand that it’s even more difficult for me to say those things to you? Do you think that I’m just saying that impulsively? I thought about it since we got involved. Falling in love with you was definitely not in my plans. Remember, I realized that I wanted to leave in January. Then, all of this happened, and I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t.” declares Alex, discouraged and almost as if he were about to cry, his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry Alex, I didn’t think-”

“It’s fine. I didn’t expect you to understand anyway.” Alex cuts with a rude voice.

“So, you are breaking up with me?” Sidney asks, even if he already knows the answer.

“I don’t like to say that, but yes. You and me, it’s over.”

Alex is sitting on the bed, looking as sad as ever. His blue eyes, normally filled with happiness, are now filled with tears. Sid knows that Alex doesn’t want to cry, not in front of him, but a tear fell down on his cheek when he blinked nevertheless.

“Sidney, I know we have been together for only three months” Alex stars with a cracking voice, “but I really love you. You are a wonderful person and you made those three months beautiful for me. I want you to remember that everything we had was real, and that I’ll always see you as one of the most amazing person I’ve ever known.”

Sid looks at Alex, he’s really sensitive, he never thought he would see him that way. 

“I’m sorry that you feel unhappy here. I wish I could do something.”

“You’ve already done enough for me, thank you.”

Sidney wants to say something. He never actually said it because he was scared, but he knows that it’s now or never. If it’s the last time he sees him, he would be ashamed for the rest of his life if he doesn’t say it.

“Alexander, I love you.”

As an answer, Alex kisses him softly. It’s a sad kiss, everybody could tell. Sid breaks the kiss because he knows that he’ll lose control if they continue. It doesn’t last long, and Sid knows that it was surely the last time before a while he would taste those lips.

“I think I should go, I’m a little bit tired.” says Sid, rising from the bed. “I wish you all the success you deserve.”

Sidney is walking to open the door when Alex touches his shoulder. He turns around to see Alex’s face for the last time.

“Take care Sid, and never forget about us.” Alex says with a low voice.

“How could anyone forget about the great Alexander Ovechkin?” Sid answers with a smile.

It makes Alex laugh, and then Sid opens the door and, by then, he’s out of the room.

Sidney is in the hallway, looking for the elevator to go to his room, but the only thing he can do right now is sitting on the floor and thinking about what happened.

Alex, his first and only love, is leaving the NHL for the KHL. And they broke up. What is he going to do? He was thinking the other night about how much he loved him, how much he never had been that cheerful before. And now, all of this is gone.

Sidney must be too tired to think and act properly because he ends up sobbing on the floor. He’s still wearing a suit and he just wants to wake up from this bad dream he’s in.

After a few minutes – maybe, like, fifteen – Sid decides that he should at least go to his room because if someone saw Sidney Crosby crying in front of Alex Ovechkin’s door, it could be really strange and awkward. 

After walking to get to the elevators, he goes in and presses the button of his hallway. Then he walks to get to his room, goes in, and falls on the bed. He doesn’t even have the strength to change clothes, so he ends up on the bed thinking about it until he falls asleep, too tired to stay awake.

***

The next morning, Sidney wakes up because his phone is ringing. He looks at it and realizes that it’s almost 12PM. He answers, and it’s Geno.

“Sid, have you heard the news?”

“What news?” he responds with a sleepy voice.

“Did I wake you?”

“Actually yes, but it’s nearly 12PM so I should’ve woken up earlier. But what is it?

“Ovechkin is leaving for KHL.”

Then, Sid remembers everything. The sadness in their last kiss, the way he was so sensitive. He thought for a second that everything was just a bad dream and that it didn’t really happen. But having Geno telling him on the phone that Ovie was leaving proves it’s all goddam true. 

“Sidney, you here?”

“Yeah, I just –

“Don’t you think it’s weird? He is really good with Capitals. I don’t understand Sanja’s decision. He says he wasn’t happy here.”

“Wait, how do you know that?”

“Press conference on TV.”

“Oh, right.”

“Anyway, I gotta go. See you in September, Captain.”

“Yea, see you Geno.”

After having hung up the phone, Sid turns on the TV to NHL Network. And then he wishes that he hadn’t done that.

Everyone is only talking about this. Well, they’re talking about the NHL Awards too, but the headlines are “Ovechkin Is Leaving For The KHL”. “Why The Great Eight Is Leaving the NHL”. “After Winning The Hart, Alexander Ovechkin Says He’s not Happy In The League”

Sid can’t take it anymore. When he was about to turn off the TV so he could take a cold shower and forget about the whole thing, Alex appears on the screen, sitting in front of a table with tons of microphones.

“I just wanna say how much I’m grateful to have had the chance to play in the NHL. I know it can be difficult to understand, but I made my decision since January, when I came back after the lockout. The managers were aware of my choice, and they accepted it after a while because I was really categorical. I appreciated to play with the Capitals, and I met here wonderful people that I’ll never forget. I want to thank everyone who supported me.”

“I realized when I was playing in front of my family that I really enjoyed it and that my game was better. I was more motivated and able to help my team. That’s the first reason why I wanted this change. I was happier there, and I wanted to stay in Russia, but finishing the year was better for the team, the coaches, but also for the fans, who I didn’t wanna disappoint, even if that’s exactly what I’m doing right now… I’m sorry if you are mad, but that’s my decision and nothing in the world could change it…”

Sid can’t continue hearing Alex saying things like that, so he definitely turns off the TV. He sits on the bed, his head in his hands, wondering what he should do.

He’s so mad at himself for not seeing that coming. How didn’t he perceive this? There were certainly signs around that he could have seen. But he didn’t.

And now, everything he cherished is gone.

Alex is gone forever. 

And he can’t do anything about it.

“What a mess…”Sid thinks before realizing that he should probably leave this city that he has nothing to do in. Nova Scotia with his family will be good to forget everything. The summer is exactly a moment to decompress and to think about other things than hockey. 

In the next hours, Sid is on a plane for Canada. He definitely can’t wait to see his parents and his little sister.

He has to admit, he misses home too.

***

After a wonderful summer in Cole Harbour, Sid is ready to play hockey again. He arrives to Pittsburgh in September and he is really happy to be back in the locker room with all of his teammates.

During the summer, he didn’t really think about Alex. Well, when people were asking him about his opinion – because it seems that people are wondering what Crosby thinks of Ovechkin’s departure because they are rivals – he was able to answer without feeling miserable or wanting to hide in a corner, so that’s a good thing. 

The thing is, he thought it would be over. Alex is not there so, why are we going to talk about him?

Well, it seems that they still want to talk about him.

A lot of people in the media, some of his teammates (especially Geno) and even fans on the street (???) are asking him about it. As if people knew what was going on between them, but he knows it’s impossible. They just want to know what Crosby thinks, as always.

Sidney thinks he’s over Alex. He thinks that he doesn’t love him anymore. But what he doesn’t know yet is that he is so wrong.

Sidney just arrived to Pittsburgh. He wasn’t confronted to it during the summer. Now that the season is starting in less than a week, it will get harder to not think about him. 

First, Geno.

Sid adores Geno, but he just can’t get over it. And the fact that Geno can’t get over it makes it harder for Sid to get over it.

Geno doesn’t understand why an amazing Russian player who has been in the NHL for years would possibly leave when he hasn’t won the Cup yet. Geno too misses home, but he says that NHL is way better than KHL. He really doesn’t get it. 

And he explains it to Sid almost every day.

“I don’t understand Sanja. I think it’s more than hockey” Geno says once after practice.

“What do you mean?” Sid answers, a little bit too curious.

“Maybe he had problems with some people, girls maybe. Maybe he was being harassed or other stuff. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Actually, Sid doesn’t really understand, but he doesn’t say it. He’s not supposed to care that much about Alex after all.

Back home, Sid meditates about this conversation. Maybe he’s’ right: maybe Alex wasn’t happy at all because of other stuff than hockey. Maybe everything he said to Sid wasn’t true, and there were other reasons. Maybe he lied to him about the real reason of his retreat.

Or maybe he should stop listening to Geno talking nonsense. 

Anyway, the season is starting tomorrow, and Sid doesn’t have time to think about other things than his game, now that he has nothing in his life besides hockey. Now that he lost Alex, he should try to think merely about hockey.

***

A month has passed and Sid can truly say that he’s over Alex. His game is as good as it can be. The Penguins are playing good hockey; he has nothing to complain about.

On November 20th though, it’s season’s first game against the Capitals and they are playing in Washington. At first, Sid doesn’t really care, it’s just another game, but people even then talk about Ovechkin. 

It seems that the Caps are struggling to win without him. They only have two wins in the last ten games and they seem lost on the ice. Now we see why Ovechkin was important for the Caps.

For this reason, journalists brought Ovechkin in the picture as much as possible, and are asking Sid about it as much as possible. 

It really bothers Sid actually. Just hearing his name when he hasn’t seen him for so long is difficult, so having to answer those questions… It’s not something he particularly enjoys. And it doesn’t even have a single link to the game; he’s not there for God’s sake! He’s in Russia playing really well; we really don’t need to talk about him!

But Sid is too polite to answer that way, so he says the same things over and over again. 

“Ovechkin is a good hockey player. Even if it can be considered as a loss for his team, for the fans and for the NHL, it was his decision and we wish him the success he deserves.” Sid says to a journalist after the morning skate.

“Of course Sidney, we totally agree. He’s having a lot of success with the Dynamo actually, he has more than fifteen points since the season has started in the KHL, and his game has improved...”

“Good for him.” Sid responds a little bit too harshly to sound pleased.

“Well, umm, I think that’s enough questions for today… Thank you for your time, Crosby. Good luck for tonight.” the reporter replies.

“Thank you.”

Sid answers.

Now that he’s not surrounded by reporters, he can think properly. So it seems that Ovie’s having success in Russia. It shouldn’t bother him because he’s playing well too. But the fact that Alex is playing well proves that he made the good decision. And it breaks Sid’s heart a little. Because when Alex had just left, Sid had thought that maybe Alex would realize that he was completely wrong and that, by then, he could come back. But with what he heard, it won’t ever happen.

Even with that in mind, Sid plays a really good game with one goal, two points and they win 4-0. The other goals were by Martin, Bennett and Neal.

In the locker room, Geno talks about Ovie again.

“Sanja is really good in KHL. He told me on the phone that he was doing really fine with the team and all. Being around his family really helps him.” Geno says. 

“Wait, you talked to him?” Sid answers, with some suspicion in his voice.

“Me and Sanja are friends, Sidney.”

 _“AND I WAS HIS FUCKING BOYFRIEND”_ Sid would really like to reply, but he doesn’t say it.

He has to admit, he’s jealous. When he tried to call Alex, one week after he had left, the only thing he heard was “We're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording…” And Sid hangs up the phone, of course his number is no longer in service, he’s gone.

Instead of being a jerk for no reason, Sid just nods.

“Good game tonight Captain, see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight Geno, see you tomorrow.”

Sid leaves the Verizon Center, really cheerful about their win, although a little bit envious about Geno having his number, but he still has to figure out how Ovie is that good.

He goes to his hotel room, and then on the Dynamo’s website with his cellphone. He sees that Ovechkin has at least fifteen points and that he leads his teammates with 8 goals. He watches some footage of him, although he doesn’t understand a word in Russian, and he really recognizes the player reaching his full potential.

He seems to be fine, so fine that it actually hurts. He’s skating as if he never had problems before, as if his life is better than ever. And that’s probably what’s happening.

***

One week later, Sidney doesn’t think about Ovie at all. Geno, for no apparent reason, stops talking about him – which doesn’t bother Sid to be honest – and after the game, nobody is making references about the Russian. As if everybody understands that we have to move on.

Sidney too has to move on, but he’s having some difficulties to do so, although it’s not critical to the point where he has no life.

It’s just that, sometimes, he thinks about how amazing his life was with him. He misses how joyful he was – or seemed to be – and how bad were his stupid jokes, but even then, Sid was always the one laughing.

However, Sid is a strong man and he still is able to play his game and to focus on hockey. He thinks about him every day, and then, he says to himself “He was a great part of my life, but now, I have to look forward to the future.”

It does help, and Sid is on the top of his skills for the next two months. Even playing against the Caps on January 15th doesn’t affect him as much as the first time. Being at home helps and the reporters don’t talk about Ovie at all, but for Sidney, it’s the sign that he really has moved on. And he’s relieved.

But all of those thoughts are before The Olympic Games in Sochi.

***

For two months, Sid has forgotten that he would probably meet Alex in Sochi. He was so focused about forgetting him and his own game that he overlooked an important part.

Being in Sochi means that he’ll probably play against Russia, or that he’ll hear about them a lot during those weeks; they are going to play in Russia after all. 

When they announced the players on Team Canada on February 7th, Sidney was really happy to be representing his country for the Olympics. Then he remembered that it was in Russia. And then he remembered that Ovechkin would actually be there.

Well, he doesn’t know the Russian roster (except Geno), but not having Alexander Ovechkin on the team would be truly unexpected. Even if he plays in the KHL this season, he’s still one of the best players in the world.

They take the plane during the weekend and, finally, on Monday, they’re in Sochi for their first practice.

Training goes well, and Sid has the chance to exchange with players he normally doesn’t have the opportunity to exchange with, like Toews and Carter.

He also has the chance to roommate with Weber, with whom he also roomed in Vancouver and in the World Juniors in 2005. They know each other pretty well actually. 

On his bed, Sid is thinking about what he has been avoiding to since he is in Sochi: Alex.

He can’t avoid him during the entire tournament. Sure, they only arrived today and, by then, they were on the ice. He didn’t have time to visit the installations. The only things he saw were his room and the arena. But he certainly knows that he will cross his path during those weeks. And he really doesn’t know how this will turn out.

Alex will surely be thrilled to see Sid after eight months apart. If they aren’t involved anymore, it isn’t because they were having trouble. Both were sad to end their story.

Sidney is over him, but maybe he would like to know how he’s doing in Russia and to make up for lost time so they could leave in even better terms than in June.

Sidney would like to call Alex right now but he doesn’t because firstly, he doesn’t have his number. Secondly, If he wants to have his number then he’d have to call Geno. Thirdly, he doesn’t want to bother Geno with that, not the same day they arrived and fourthly, with the jet lag he’s actually really tired. So Sid falls asleep pretty quickly while he’s wondering if it’s a good idea to meet Ovechkin, or if it’ll only break his heart a little more.

***

Two days later, as the team leaves the ice after their morning skate, Sid is happy to be in here, able to represent his country in the Olympic Games. It’s a wonderful experience and meeting all those athletes from all around the world is a great thing he doesn’t have the chance to do often. He really appreciates Sochi so far. 

As Sid is leaving the locker room along with his teammates for those weeks, Sid looks around and sees some of the Russian players in the hallway, waiting for them to finish, he supposes. He doesn’t see Geno; he is probably somewhere near, however. He spots some players he doesn’t know, some he recognizes like Datsyuk and Markov, and then he sees _him_.

Sidney doesn’t trust his eyes at first because he has wished for this moment to happen for a long time. Even if Sidney had thought about that possibility, he’s not ready to face him, not right now. Actually, he would never be ready.

But Sid can’t help but stop walking in the hallway, looking at Alex while he’s still talking and laughing with other guys, probably his teammates. They’re not that far from each other, although Sid cannot really talk to him from that distance, unless he screams, and not being the center of attention is something Sid particularly likes to do as much as possible.

It takes a while before Alex sees him too. He was really into telling a story apparently, but he felt that someone was looking at him. Alex looks to his left and meets Sid’s eyes. Alex, while looking at Sidney, continues to talk, and after a few seconds, he looks away. 

Sid is confused about how Alex acted with him, he cannot believe it. He reacted the same way as if he had seen a guy he doesn’t know, and it hurts. After eight months being apart, Alex doesn’t even care about Sidney at all. That’s the truth.

But maybe Alex was just hiding his true feeling, because it would have been weird to be so happy about seeing Sidney Crosby, and the Russian LGBT propaganda law maybe has an effect on how Alex is acting in front of people. 

Anyway, Sid feels like his heart broke in millions of pieces and could stand being there for another moment, so he turns back and walks away. It just wasn’t the right time to speak with him, he guesses. The Olympics have just begun; he’ll cross his path another time, that’s for sure.

Even with that in mind, Sid is preoccupied and it seems that he’s not good at hiding it because Weber asks him about it. Maybe being his roommate wasn’t that nice after all.

“Is there something bothering you Sid?” Weber asks that night in their room.

“No I’m fine; I’m just tired, you know, jet lag.” Sidney responds.

“Not so sure, on the ice, you didn’t seem that tired…”

“Well, now I am.” Sidney replies a little bit harshly. 

“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, you know.”

“Shea, there’s nothing. I just want to sleep”

“Ok then Sid, I hear you.”

By then Weber has shuts the lights, but Sid can’t fall asleep. He can’t stop thinking about what happens. Alex did continue to talk when he saw him. Maybe Sid should have done something instead of staying there and waiting for a miracle.

***

The next morning, Sid wakes up ready to play some hockey. Their first game is against Norway, and he’s ready to give what he’s got. He’s going to help Canada win the gold medal. Nothing in the world will disturb him, not even Alexander Ovechkin and his indifference towards him. 

***

Canada has won all of their games for now, which means three, and they are playing really well. Everything is fine, and they couldn’t have a better beginning. Since they won all of their preliminary games, they finished first of their division, so their next game is only in two days. Some players wanted to give it a rest for tonight (they don’t even play tomorrow) and to have fun a little bit outside the ice. 

Sidney is not really thrilled about getting out, but he doesn’t really have the choice - Weber doesn’t want him to stay alone in his room another night - and maybe it can be good for him.

They finally end up in a bar where a lot of athletes are. It’s crowdy and Sid instantly knows he won’t stay very long in here, he prefers silent places with less people when he has the chance.

Anyway, he doesn’t complain. He follows the guys and sits down at the bar. He doesn’t even have the time to ask, he already has a drink in front of him. Weber is looking at him, smiling. It’s certainly him. But Sid stays there and the others move forward to the dancefloor. 

Sid looks around him and doesn’t see other people he knows than the teammates he came with. Well, that’s his thought until he sees Geno waving his hand at him.

Geno was still in the entrance when he saw Sid. Now, he’s sitting next to him and is talking nonsense.

“Hey Sid! Do you like the Olympics so far? I do, we have a pretty good team and I’m glad to play home. I can’t wait to play against you, haha!”

“Yeah, sure, Geno.” Sidney answers.

“It’s fun playing here, I didn’t see Sanja since this summer, he is really nice and now we’re playing on the same team, that’s amazing! I’m so happy!”

“Yea, sure, Geno.” Sidney still answers.

“Oh, I gotta go Sid, see you soon!” the Russian says before leaving Sid all alone again.

“Yeah, see you.”

What just happened? Geno never talks like he’s too excited for nothing, well not to Sid. Maybe being in Russia wakes another part of his teammate he didn’t know yet.

Sid really wants to leave. He doesn’t want to drink, to meet and talk to people, or to dance (worst thing ever). He just wants to go sleep. He’s like that sometimes.

But then, when Sid stands up, Geno is at the bar with Ovie and they are taking drinks. Geno goes somewhere else with a bunch of guys and Ovechkin sits alone. 

Alex is alone. This is certainly the right time to go talk to him.

Sidney goes forward and he sits next to Alex. Sidney can’t believe this is just happening, like the old times, when they were just hockey players having a good time together. When they were still together. When he was still _his_.

It doesn’t take long for Alex to notice Sidney staring at him.

“Hello, Sidney Crosby.” Alex says without looking at him, kind of annoyed. “You are having a good time in Russia?” Alex asks just to be polite.

“Yeah I am, it’s amazing. It has been a while since we’ve talked.” Sidney manages to say.

“Yes.”

And that’s it, nothing more. Sidney never would have thought Alex would be so simple about their first conversation for what, eight months? Alex doesn’t seem to be thrilled at all. 

“I thought we could try to catch up on time” Sid starts to say, like if it were obvious.

“Why did you think that?” Alex answers as if he were wasting his time with him. He looks around and sighs.

“We were happy together and I thought…”

“Look Crosby, there’s nothing to talk about. I moved on, you should do the same.”

By then, he sees a Russian friend, that’s what Sid can conclude, and he’s gone. Again.

Sidney stays there for what feels like too long, and can’t stop wondering what just happened. He can’t stop hearing Alex say _“I moved on, you should do the same”_ like if it were so fucking easy. Maybe Sidney was wrong about all of this, maybe Alex played with him and never actually cared about him that much, not as much as Sid did.

And maybe Sid never really moved on.

The truth hurts. It hurts so much Sid feels like he’s going to cry and scream at the same time. He ends up drinking vodka - he doesn’t even like it - and he punches the table with his fist, a little too hard, however.

“Whoa Sid, calm down.” someone says behind him. He didn’t even see Weber coming.

“I am totally calm.”

“Well, you just punched the table for apparently no reason.”

“I said I was calm!” Sid cries at him.

“Ok, you’re not. First, stop with this” his roommate says while picking Sid’s drink from his hands. “You know how you become when you drink too much Sid, especially vodka, God Sid! And stop being a jerk; we are going back to the hotel.”

“No, we are staying.” Sid responses.

Sid doesn’t win; Weber leaves with him and Sid falls asleep pretty quickly.

***

The next morning, Sid is exhausted. He has a terrible headache, which is not good, and he can’t stop thinking about last night.

 _“I moved on, you should do the same.”_ This sentence, those words, this is Sid’s nightmare when he’s awake. He can’t deal with it. Alex said this to him without any remorse. This is too much, really.

But what Sid knows too is that he’s in Sochi for the fucking Olympics and not being there mentally because of his stupid Russian ex-boyfriend is not good for anyone. They are going to win the gold, nothing less. 

***

Canada wins the gold medal. 

And Sidney Crosby couldn’t be happier. 

Well, he could, but that’s not important, not right now. He got the gold medal and he’s thrilled. That’s amazing.  
It couldn’t be better.

When he arrives in Pittsburgh though, he remembers about Geno. Russia didn’t go far; they ended up fifth of the tournament, in their own country, in front of all of their fans. 

Sid knows how much Geno loves his country, how much he’s proud to be from Russia. He was so excited playing in his country, even with all the pressure they had.

Sidney knows that too well because of when it was in Vancouver. But they did win the gold. They did meet the expectations.

Not Russia.

During the practice after the Olympic break, Geno is depressed, everyone could tell, but he really is tries to hide it, especially in front of Sid. He even said congratulations for the medal. Plus, he has a reminder everyday of the lost game against Finland because Maatta was in the team. And they did win something, the bronze medal actually. It’s not his fault directly, but Sid can understand how Geno is feeling right now. 

Geno is not there mentally, he skates like a ten year old kid, he’s trying nothing, just follows, and he tries but is always late. This is so not like him.  
But this is not something you want to bring in an everyday conversation, although it could help the team, and especially Geno. Sidney wants his teammates to be happy. But Sid knows he should wait, maybe he’ll come around by himself.

***

Even if it doesn’t appear, and it shouldn’t be the case when you just won an Olympic gold medal, Sid has some difficulty to not feel miserable. He’s always thinking about his last meeting with Ovie and Sid doesn’t get it. He really thought that he had moved on, but this conversation just brings everything up. 

It’s all Alexander Ovechkin’s fault. 

One night, Sid looks on his phone the pictures he had taken during the tournament. He scrolls up too fast and sees some images of him and Ovie of the time when they were still together. Sid wonders at first why he didn’t delete those, maybe because he didn’t remember taking them – Alex sometimes grabbed his phone because Sidney “can’t take good pictures” - and by then he feels as if his heart had been crushed by a bulldozer.

There’s too much happiness in those pictures, too much love. Nostalgia hits Sid like a big truck for him to hold on. He still remembers every detail of those nights, drinking at a bar in Washington, wasting time walking in the city or just chilling on the sofa watching movies. There are also some pictures Alex sent him when they were apart. He saved them because they were too funny or cute to forget about them forever.

Sid knows for his sake that he should delete all of this, but he can’t. He really doesn’t have the strength to do it. He has to admit he likes seeing them, even if he feels painfully alone doing so. Consequently, he ends up looking at them for hours and falls asleep on the couch as his eyes couldn’t stay wide open anymore.

***

The week after the Olympic break, Sidney didn’t really have time to mope about his situation because they played four games away in a row. Being away means also spending a lot of time with his teammates, which is what Sid needs right now. Even then, Geno is still not the same as before the Olympic Games. Sid knows that he should do something, but he doesn’t have the strength to help someone feel happier when he feels all but happy himself. 

He’s not feeling that miserable though. He manages to keep those feelings away. And he’s not that bad. It feels good being happy, as he is supposed to be.

But that’s all before March 10th. Because that date means that they are playing in Washington, and the day after, they still play against them, but in Pittsburgh. It’s like a big reminder of everything. Now he remembers why he doesn’t like back-to-back games.

When they arrive in Washington, one day before the game, most players are tired and want to give it a rest. But Sidney is all but exhausted, even though he should. He really just can’t stay in his hotel room, he needs to get out. 

He walks on the street all alone in Washington. It could be unsafe, you know, he’s Sidney Crosby. But right now, he doesn’t care; he’s just a normal guy walking on the streets. 

He doesn’t know where he’s going, but after what it seems a while, Sid decides to enter in a bar. He can’t explain the feeling of déjà vu, but he knows he already went there before. Maybe that’s why he enters at first. 

He ends up sitting at the bar and some people recognize him and ask him for pictures – ok, maybe he shouldn’t have gone on his own in a bar in Washington after all. But he doesn’t mind, and he gives them what they want. Sid orders a beer and he looks around.

Of course he knows this place. This is where it all began.

***

_Sidney doesn’t know why he followed Geno to a bar. He hates those places. Especially when he is all surrounded by Russians, because that’s actually what it is going to happen. Maybe he’s curious after all._

_When they enter however, Geno is all smiling and he looks at Ovechkin and Semin. Of course. Why didn’t Sidney understand? When Geno was talking about his Russian friends, he was talking about them. They were in Washington. Well, he doesn’t really know a lot about Semin, but he knows for sure that he doesn’t want to spend time with Ovechkin. He never liked the guy._

_But he has to act as if he doesn’t want to punch his face every two seconds. Great way to spend the night._

_“Hey Zhenya, you bring a friend?” Ovechkin asks._

_“Yeah, Sid needs company.” Geno says, as if Sid were his puppy or something._

_“Is going to be great night Sid!” Ovechkin answers while he grabs Sidney’s shoulder to squeeze it in an affective way for him._

_“It’s Crosby, for you, and don’t touch me.” Sidney says while pushing him away._

_“Ok Crosby.” he responds. “You have to learn how to party!”_

_“Umm, not sure about that.” Sidney answers while going to a table and sitting._

_Sidney looks around and he sees the three Russian laughing and having fun while he’s there all by himself, wanting to go to his hotel room to sleep. He hates going out. It’s always how it ends up: Sidney waiting for someone to say they finally go._

_A minute later, Ovechkin arrives in front of him._

_“Sid – umm, Crosby – you seem miserable. C’mon, I’m sure you can dance!” Ovechkin says._

_“I am certainly not going to dance. This is not happening.”_

_“Oh c’mon Sid. Why are you here if you don’t want to have fun?”_

_“I don’t know, actually.” Sid responds a little bit annoyed because he doesn’t want to talk to him, and he called him Sid. “I think the party is over for me, can you say to Geno that I left?”_

_“No, you are not leaving.”_

_It seems that we can’t win an argument against him because that’s all it takes for Sidney to agree._

_“Fine, I’m staying. But why do you want me to stay anyway?” Sidney replies. “We’re all but friends.”_

_“That’s not a problem, Crosby, we can become friends.” Ovechkin answers with a smile._

_And that’s all it takes for Sidney Crosby to become friends with Alexander Ovechkin._

***

God, Sid was really harsh with Alex that time. He learned to like him, and now, he can’t stop thinking about him while Alex doesn’t care about them anymore. That’s not fair.

Anyway, there’s too much nostalgia in this place, he even spots the place where he was sitting that night with Alex. They talked about hockey and a lot of other things, and he realized that night that Alex was not a bad person at all. 

But Sidney is still recovering from the past, staying there will only bring more and more memories. He leaves as soon as he finishes his drink and walks back to his hotel. 

***

They play really well in Washington, beating them 3-2. Crosby scored one goal, and had 2 assists on the other goals. That’s good.  
They do win the other night too, 2-0. It feels amazing to win at home, after being away for more than a week. Everyone is now exhausted and they are not playing before Saturday against the Flyers in Philadelphia. They must be ready.

***

The day after the game against Washington, Sid can’t stop thinking about Alex. He knows it’s certainly not a good idea to drive to places they used to hang out, but he can’t help but think that it could be a way to help him move on. So he does it.

Sid drives to a park near Pittsburgh and, when he finally finds a parking lot, goes outside and sits on their bench. God, this park was one of their favorite places.

***

_Alex is sitting on the bench when Sid arrives._

_“Sorry I’m late, I had to settle something. You know, captain stuff.” Sidney says with an apologetic voice._

_“As long as you’re there, now I’m fine.” Alex responds._

_They are still at the beginning of this thing they have. They don’t really know how to act with each other in public. Although they do a lot of stuff when they are in a private area – you can guess –, in public, it’s not the same. If someone spotted Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin having gay manners – a term Sid really hates – to each other, there could be a lot of damage for both of them._

_When they can be together – because both have a big schedule – , Alex and Sid meet at this park, on their bench, because Alex now knows how much Sid hates going out and how much the nature really helps him to relax._

_Sid sits next to Alex, too far for Alex not to complain._

_“C’mon Sid, we haven’t seen each other in real for, like, weeks, and you are really far from me. I’m sad.” Alex says, a little bit disappointed._

_“I don’t –” Sid starts._

_“Yes, you are far, and I hate that. I want to be close to you. God Sid, I thought you like me.” Alex says with a laugh._

_“I do, I’m just not comfortable with this.” Sid explains while doing gestures between them. “Not in public, I’m scared that someone will see us.”_

_“Sidney.” Alex starts. The way he pronounces his name always makes him shiver. “There’s nobody around, you can come closer. Anyway, if someone asks, I can say to everyone that Sidney Crosby is scared of the dark.” Because it’s actually really dark outside. And cold, it’s March after all._

_Sidney laughs, looks around - and indeed there are alone – and with all the courage he didn’t know he had, comes closer to Alex, but he also cuddles himself and puts his head on his shoulder._

_“Wel,l I didn’t think about that, but I like it.” Alex says._

_Alex then puts his right arm around Sid’s shoulders and they stay like that in silence, enjoying the moment.  
“Would you like to have kids?” Alex asks after a while._

_“For sure, why?” Sid answers, turning his head to look at him._

_“I had a dream the other night about us having little Crosby and Ovechkin running around the house. Maybe it’s a premonitory dream. If you want to.” Alex answers while looking at Sid with the same intensity he has when he plays hockey, when something is important to him._

_“That would be nice, founding a family.” Sid answers with a dreamy tone in his voice. “But not now, I couldn’t think for another person than myself, I need to learn that._

_“Oh Sid, I’m sure you’ll be a great father.” Alex seriously answers._

_“And you’ll be an amazing mother.” Sid responds with an amusing voice._

_“You’re not funny, Alex answers with this smile Sid loves so much. “But I know we could be a good family, together.”_

_“Yeah, together.” Sid replies, looking at the sky. A few seconds later, there’s a shooting star._

_"Did you see the shooting star?” Sid says to Alex, trying to find another one, as if it appeared in the sky every second._

_“Why is this important?” Alex answers, not sure to understand why his lover is so happy about this._

_“We can make a wish!” Sid replies, really too much enthusiastic for Alex to understand._

_“You do really believe in that?” Alex answers, not really thrilled about it, although he smiles._

_“Tonight, I do.” Sid answers. “And I wish that, one day, we get our family, together.”_

_The only thing Alex manages to do after that confession is to kiss Sid softly. Sid doesn’t pull away, even if they’re in a public area, he even responds to it._

_Alex pulls away, not because he hates those lips, but because he has to say something._

_“I promise to you, Sidney Crosby, that your wish will come true.”_

***

“Another wish made on a shooting star that won’t come true.” Sidney thinks sadly. 

He really needs to stop thinking about those beautiful moments because he really is going to be depressed and cry for a long amount of time.

Talking of amounts of time, Sidney discerns from the dark sky that he has been there, siting on this bench for a long time now. He really should leave.

Sidney gets up and walks through the park. There are some people and he hopes that they won’t recognize him, he can’t act like he’s happy, not right now. Hopefully, he goes to his car without people talking to him and he drives home.

At his place, he sits on the couch, turns on the TV to the news and looks at his phone. There are, like, three missing calls and one text from Bylsma, and also 2 texts from Duper who invites him to dinner so he could show some new hockey moves to Kody. He responds to Duper that he prefers staying home tonight because he’s tired, even if he would have liked to see the kids. Actually, right now, seeing kids is not a good idea for Sid to not feel miserable. He really shouldn’t have gone there.

The missing calls from the coach are weird, however; normally, he just texts Sid to call him or he waits for the practice to tell him what’s the matter.

Sid calls him because he can’t see what is that important.

“I’m glad you finally called. I know I don’t do that normally, but I think you didn’t see it or, I don’t know, you’re a little off right now.”

“I’m not off, what do you mean? I am playing well.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t playing good, I said you weren’t there since the Olympic break, you’re always alone in your stuff, you’re not around the team much, and even some players told me that. I don’t know what’s going on in your life Sid, because you won a gold medal and you should be the happiest man in the world, but at least, it doesn’t affect your game.”

“What do you mean, at least?” Sid answers, even if he wants to ask who said he was not around much.

“Didn’t you see Geno? He is not there mentally at all.”

“Well, I saw that, yes.”

“As a captain you should do something about it, and not just say you saw it. Talk to him.”

“I know, I just thought he would come around by himself…”

“Well, he’s not. You’re the only one who can truly understand what he is going through. I knew I had to tell you… Do it when you feel the time is right, but don’t wait until the playoffs, it wouldn’t be the time.”

“Ok coach, I got this.”

“That’s my captain. Goodnight Sid. See you tomorrow at practice.”

And then, he hangs up.

Sidney needs to stop moping about what has happened two weeks ago with Alex. Geno needs him. 

***

If he wants to help his long-term friend, Sid knows too well that he should do some research to see what really happened to the Russian team. He knows they didn’t meet the expectations, but maybe there are some missing points out there. 

Before doing that, Sid wants to wait another week. Even if Geno is still in this mood, he wants to see if he’ll be able to come back at the top of his skills on his own - or maybe Sid doesn’t want to think as much as possible about a certain Russian player.

Sid tries to stop thinking about Alex, although seeing Geno that way means Alex possibly is feeling that way too. Sid can’t stop wondering if Alex has someone to rely on. He surely has, but maybe he feels lonely even though they are right beside him. Sid is there for Geno – well he’s going to be now – but is not anymore for Alex and this is painful.

But now, we are three weeks after the Olympics and Geno is still that way. As the captain, he needs to do what it takes, so he looks online for articles about it. The first to come up is _[“Russia coach dumps on Ovechkin after loss to Finland”](http://www.torontosun.com/2014/02/19/russia-coach-dumps-on-ovechkin-after-loss-to-finland)_ and Sid can’t help but click on it.

He reads everything. Even if they talk about the team as an ensemble and about some issues the club may had to deal with, what Sid remembers is those words from the coach about Ovie: “One goal is too little”, he said of the Russian scoring in the tournament. And even when he talks about the team, he takes the opportunity to bash him: “It’s difficult to explain why we didn’t score,” he said. “Especially Alexander Ovechkin. He has 40 goals in the KHL. I cannot explain.” He also read that Ovechkin and Malkin had a confrontation with the coach. That surely didn’t help. 

And, without noticing, Sid is reading another article about Ovechkin and the Olympics – ok, he clicked on the [link](http://www.torontosun.com/2014/02/17/russias-ovechkin-shrinking-under-olympic-spotlight) \- and it’s a big comparison of him and Alex. It was written 2 days before the defeat against Finland. And there’s the pool at the end of the article: ”Who’s playing the best tournament? Crosby or Ovechkin.” Even if they are far away, the comparisons always remain. 

And then, he starts reading the comments, what he really shouldn’t have done because they are literally bashing Ovie and it hurts. He knows how much Alex always tries his best to be a better player and reading things like “Ovechkin is a loser” makes him so angry. Even the “Crosby had been disappointing” doesn’t affect him. They won the gold medal, after all. 

Conclusion of those articles: he didn’t learn anything new, and now, he’s sad for Alex. He’s wondering if he remembers what Sidney said about him, that he was an amazing player and that he shouldn’t listen to anything like that. Alex takes the critics too seriously. Sid had to say to Alex that some things were okay, and others, too exaggerated, what he should believe was true and what was made up. 

Sidney hopes that Alex didn’t forget about that. When people said those words to hurt him, does he remember what he texted him while he was too far away, and what he told him months ago? 

Even with those thoughts, Sid manages to talk to Geno about it the next day. And it was really a great conversation. He seems to be happier now and Sid hopes that it’ll change his game for the best.

And it did. Sid finally sees Evgeni Malkin skating with the same passion and determination he has before.

***

Although everyone sees that Geno is finally over his Olympics breakdown, Sidney is not. Well, his teammates don’t know what happened at the Olympics, but they suspect something’s going on. He’s not exactly the same. He seems to be in his thoughts, most of the time, and he doesn’t spend as much time as before with his teammates outside hockey purpose.

The following practice, Sidney is in the locker room, dressing up, when Duper comes.

“Hey, Sid.” Duper starts. “Is everything okay in your life?”

Sidney is surprised by this question; he does answer, but in an odd voice he didn’t know he could have.

“Yes, of course I’m fine. We are doing great, the team’s doing great, and everyone is doing great.” Sidney manages to reply, although it sounds false.

“Sid, I’m your friend, your team is your friends. You can tell us everything. I found it weird you refused my invitation to dinner; you’re always thrilled to see the kids.

“I know, I’m just…”

“If you don’t want to tell us, fine. But don’t act like there’s nothing.” Duper explains. “Even if you’re good on the ice, it doesn’t mean we didn’t see your manners in the past few weeks. I hope it’s not serious.

“Nothing important, I swear.” Sidney replies. Now he just admitted he had a problem, which was a bad idea.

“Good. You can come see us anytime, you’re always welcome.”

“Thanks, Duper” Sidney responds sincerely while Duper leaves the locker room. Sidney leaves a few minutes later.

At home, Sidney doesn’t try to act like nothing was going on. He knows he needs help, but he can’t tell anyone. He can’t tell that he was in love with Ovechkin, and now, he doesn’t care about him anymore, but he knows that he can’t move on without help. He can’t do that all by himself. 

What he needs is someone who will listen to him without knowing that he is Sidney Crosby, someone who could advise him and won’t judge him at all.

Then he remembers about an advertisement he saw on TV of a phone helpline. Maybe it could be the solution to his problem, for now. When you are seriously thinking about calling a phone helpline, it’s because you really are in too deep.

After what seems like hours, Sidney finally dials the number.

“Hello to you and thank you for calling. What can I do for you?” a woman voice answers.

“I – Is this confidential?” Sidney replies, a little bit nervous

“Of course. We won’t ask for anything you don’t want to say. You say what you want and we are going to listen to you. We won’t ever trace you.”

“Good. Um, my problem is that I can’t move on from a past relationship.”

“Tell me more, if you want.”

“Last year, I started to date someone, a guy actually, and because of that, it was a secret relationship. We couldn’t tell anyone about it because of what we are linked to… Anyway, we were friends before and it just happened. We were happy together; we were planning a future, even having kids...” And then Sid starts sobbing. “I’m sorry for – ”

“Don’t apologize, it’s normal to cry when you are sad, it is ok.”

Just hearing he has the right to cry, the right to let it all go, Sid doesn’t stay strong for a long time, he starts crying while this woman on the phone tells him that it’s fine and that it can take as long as it takes for him to continue his story. After a long 10 minutes, Sidney manages to stop a little and to continue.

“Sorry, it’s the first time I actually talk to someone about this in real voice. I think I’m just relieved to say it out loud to someone who won’t judge me.” Sidney explains, his voice still cracking.

“You have no one to turn to?”

“It’s complicated.” Sidney answers in a whisper. “So, I was saying we were planning a future” Sidney continues. “And then, in June, when we were together officially for, like, three months, he announced to me that he was leaving the U.S to go to Russia.” Oh god, Sid said too much. “For his job yeah, he had a promotion and he really couldn’t refuse.”

“You couldn’t follow him?” the woman asks.

“No, I have to stay here, really, trust me. Anyway, he said keeping me exclusive wasn’t a good thing for both of us, so he broke up with me. And even then, he told me how much I meant for him, that everything we had was real, and that he’ll never forget about us. It was a sad moment. And then he left.” Sid continues.

“I hadn’t seen him for, like, months, and even then, one of my friends was still talking to him, he was doing fine actually. It was kind of painful to know that he was happy without me, but I manage to be too, so that wasn’t the worst.”

“Have you seen him since June?”

“Yes, unfortunately.” Sid answers. “I had to go in Russia for work too and I crossed his path in a bar. I couldn’t help but go see him, talk to him and see how he was. But he was acting like we didn’t happen, as if he didn’t even know me. I still remember the last thing he told, also the longest sentence he ever said to me that night: _"I moved on, you should do the same."_ It hit me like a revelation and I felt incredibly miserable. I was still desperately in love with him after eight months being apart. And he doesn’t even care about me.”

“And how do you feel right now?”

“That’s exactly why I’m calling.” Sid answers painfully. “Since I came back from there, I can’t think about other things than him, and about what we had. I drove by the places we used to hang out; I’m looking at pictures of us, I’m living in the past.”

“Is there anything in your life that can help you?”

“What I do for a living is my passion, when I’m there, I don’t think about other things. It’s when I come back home that I realize that I’m not happy. Seriously, I wish that I could wake up one morning and I wouldn’t remember anything about him, not at all. I can’t take it anymore, I’m so weak.”

“Whoever you are, you are not weak.” the woman starts. “If I am the only person who you talk to about this, you are a strong person, and I admire you for that. Keeping all of those emotions inside is really difficult; a lot of people would have failed. Keep doing what you love; time will heal the wound. I know it seems insurmountable, but I’m sure you will find a way to happiness. You deserve that.”

“Well, thank you, it’s just that I thought he was the one, you know. It seemed so real, but maybe all of this was just a lie. Maybe he played with my feelings. I just wish I could forget about all those stupid little things I loved about him, like his smile, the way he’d say my name, the way it felt to fall asleep next to him. I don’t understand, it felt so real, but he seems so well without me. How could he be fine when I’m struggling to be happy?” Sidney explains, angry about himself for overthinking as always when it comes to Alex.

“Stop thinking about that, you’re just going to be disappointed all over again. You’ll find the one for you, even if right now, you don’t think it is possible. But you really don’t have anyone to talk to? Maybe they could understand more your situation than me.”

“I – I think so. It would just be really complicated to confess that I had a serious – if we can tell – relationship with him. I don’t know if they could understand.”

“What do you mean?” the woman asks, wondering what Sidney is talking about.

“A lot of people admire me, and I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I asked you if it was confidential because, well, maybe you know me and I’m pretty sure you’ve heard my name.” Sidney confesses to her. “I don’t want people to judge me for being gay – or bi, whatever, I’m still figuring out –, although some people would bash me. And the fact that I had a relationship with my rival…”

“Whoa, hold on. You’re famous?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Sidney declares, although he doesn’t want to continue the conversation that way.

“Well, now, I understand why you have no one to turn to… You have to find someone you can really trust. By having relationship with someone as famous as you, you thought you could understand each other through that pressure and be happy together.”

“Exactly, yes, we can say that.”

“But now he’s gone and you don’t know what to do.”

There’s an awkward silence on the phone. Maybe he said too much about being famous, maybe he shouldn’t have called at first. Why is he so stupid?

“Thank you for your help, I gotta go now.” Sidney says after a few seconds.

“Well, I hope I’ve helped you figure out what the solutions are for you. Don’t be shy to call again.”

“I won’t be.” Sidney says, however, he knows he’ll never call a helpline service again, ever.

***

Calling this helpline didn’t really help him; it made it worse, actually. He doesn’t know why, but he can’t help but think about how weak he was, crying on the phone with an unknown person. He told her he was famous! Why did he do that? Maybe she connected what he said to the fact that he’s Sidney fucking Crosby.

He’s being paranoid, he knows that. And he also knows that he’ll never be over Alexander Ovechkin, and that’s the truth. 

Alex is doing fine, well, maybe not that fine since the Olympics, but like Geno, he’ll recover. Sid won the gold medal, and still, he has to fake his happiness. He can smile, and he manages to think before refusing something with his teammates so they don’t suspect anything. 

Now, Sid has two personalities: the one when he’s surrounded by people and the one when he’s all alone. And his true personality is the one he’s hiding. His true personality is the one when Alex was still in his life, and now he’s not anymore. 

He really wants to end everything.

After that thought, everything goes black.

***

Sidney wakes up in what seems to be a hotel room. He has a headache and he doesn’t know who is next to him. It seems to be a guy, and as he looks closer, he sees that it’s Alex.

Then, Sid is confused; he was not supposed to be gone in Russia forever, far away from him?

Alex opens his eyes and sees Sidney staring at him.

“Hello darling, you slept well?” Alex asks.

“I guess, though my head hurts” Sidney says while realizing it really hurts like a sledgehammer every second. “What am I doing here?”

“After the awards, you came here, we had sex and we fell asleep, simple.” Alex answers simply, looking at Sid.

“So, all of this was just a twisted dream?” Sidney says to himself, because that’s the only possible explanation right now. “You’re not playing in the KHL next season?”

“Of course I’m not.” Alex responds, making a surprised face. “What, you hate me and you don’t want me around anymore?” 

“It’s the contrary, actually.” Sid confesses with a smile. “I just had this dream – I guess it was – when you were leaving me and everything to go play in the KHL and I couldn’t move on, but you did successfully. 

“This is not true because, first, I will never leave the NHL for KHL c’mon! I have a lot of money here and I want to win the Cup! Second, how can I leave you? I would not be able to leave without you, Sid. God, I love you too much for that.”

By then, Sid hugs Alex, too harshly actually, because Alex is about to choke.

“Oh, um, sorry.” Sidney says while pulling him away, turning red. “I guess I really thought I had lost you.”

“You will not ever lose me, Sid, I’m yours.” Alex says, touching Sid’s face with his fingers. 

They kiss softly while Alex is already trying to reach Sid’s boxer with his left hand. Maybe having this nightmare wasn’t that bad after all.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so so so sorry for this cliché ending. I couldn't do otherwise...
> 
> This work was - really - inspired by the song [Amnesia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCCJCILiX3o) by 5 Seconds Of Summer.


End file.
